A-Thinking and A-Thunkin

So I've been a thinking and a thunkin and wow. I wish my brain would just SHUT UP!!!

It's been really hard explaining to people about leaving school after just a few weeks. Some I tell the whole explanation, others I just say my health has gone wonky because it's a lot easier to say that than to explain all the things that lead up to it.

And yet I still end up feeling like a failure at times. I know I did what was best for me but now I am so lost as to what to do. It hit me the other day that people from my high school graduation will be graduating from college next year. That I was one of the people expected to go far and graduate from college and go on to bigger and better things. Heck, I expected it of me because ever since I was little I wanted to go to college. I started collecting college information in middle school, I was so excited to go.

I guess I should've known better than to assume I'd be able to go to college though. I remember waiting for acceptance letters. I was watching Love Song for Bobby Long with my mom, which takes place in the south. I fell in love with the beauty of the south, the culture...just everything about it watching that movie. I went to my room afterwards and started looking over my Savannah College of Art and Design catalog for the bazillionth time. My mom came in and told me I'd get in, that I was going to go to SCAD. Just a few days later I got my acceptance.

That's when I should've known better. Because in that acceptance I was offered a $5000 scholarship. I called them to see if there was any chance I'd get more aid. They said no. Pretty much I'd get the Pell grant and then everything else would be loans, loans, loans. Now, to make this clear to those who don't understand the system very well: getting the Pell grant (at that time) would've meant I'd get an extra $4000 more, bumping my aid up to $9000. SCAD's tuition alone, not including housing, was $37,000 a year. Add housing and it's anywhere between $42,000-$46,000 a year. I couldn't take out that much in loans...so goodbye to my dream. A dream school that I had in mind for my entire high school career.

On and on it went til my last resort school that was pretty much a cop-out because I didn't really know what to do. I tried really hard to be enthusiastic, tried looking at the positives (SoCal = heat, woo!) but when I got there...ick. Materialism and wealth up the yazooo. Ick. So then I went to OSU, a school I loathed and never wanted to go to only to find that all the reasons I loathed it were definitely real. Took off for a year and a half, try to go to a school that I was really REALLY looking forward to...only to find that it just wasn't working.

So now I have to wonder what's wrong with me. Because when you think about it, I'm the common denominator in all of this. Is it is wrong to not want to go to a school where people are stupid and drunk all the time? Is it wrong to go to a school where professors actually care about students and want to help them succeed? Is it wrong to want to go to a school where my voice can be heard and my concerns can at least be addressed and explained instead of ignored? Why is all of this too much to ask? Aren't these concerns to school administrators? They're educating the future to believe that we're supposed to ignore problems, treat people like they don't matter, and expect everyone to either go with the flow or fall into a system of failure, even though the flow can be damaging (I'm sorry but getting wasted and banging people whose names you don't know is DAMAGING!!!!).

I don't know how to feel right now. I'm relieved to not be in a situation where everything was going wrong wrong wrong even though it seemed like the perfect place for me. But now I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life. I have a strong passion and a strong desire...but what I want to do is something that EVERYONE says I can't do without an education and money. Why is that so required today? Back when this country was being founded we didn't have universities. People learned by experience. Why can't someone teach me through experience? I can't pay them but I can help do the work to make up for my lack of money.

It just really sucks to know that I am willing and able and starving for an opportunity and no one is willing to offer one. All because I'm not one of the privileged few in this country. Now I'm stuck at square one again...once again trying to figure out where to go from here and what to do. Competing with hundreds of people for jobs that barely pay minimum wage, knowing I probably won't get it all because I don't have that much job experience (again, could be fixed if someone just OFFERED!), and being lost in the crowd. JT and I want nothing more than to move forward with our life and get started...but we can't if I don't even have a job or a path.

Gah, this is just really hard and I'm so pissed off about my situation and so darn frustrated. I don't care what anyone else says. I KNOW I'm a failure. I was able to figure my way out of other situations. Why can't I figure this one out too? Sitting here listening to God...I've been waiting and listening for ages now and I thought SPU was the one....but now I'm just lost and forgotten. As always.

And yes, I realize I'm acting like an emo brat but I really don't care. I'm sick of everyone thinking I'm okay because I'M NOT. Do you really think I want my life to suck like this? I'd be much happier working, pushing through life, DOING SOMETHING. Sitting on my butt all day looking and finding nothing doesn't make me feel good. It just makes me question why the heck JT chose me when I'm bringing him down.