1 Is The Loneliest Number

Today I'm feeling really lonely.

It's raining outside and it's the first time I've really noticed it as something sad. Even though things have been working out relatively well with my roommate ever since she got a boyfriend she's been really picky about what I can and can't do, even though we just filled out our roommate contract. Reeeeeeally don't want to pull that out on her. There are some great people on the floor and they're fun to talk to but it's been made very clear that I am different because I'm new and older and married. It's amazing how many times they've said I can't do something because I'm married. Lovely excuse, except it's not true. I can go dancing, I can hang out with guys, I can go shopping. But they think that because I'm married it's forbidden or something. Sigh. So while I talk to them I have yet to truly hang out with any of them. Nobody wants me. :-(

Classes are keeping me busy. I feel like I'm not really learning much in my UCor because it's a very watered down art class and after taking Maul's class at OSU I pretty much know all this stuff down pat. Bio is so freaking out of this world NOBODY understands it (trust me, I've talked to about 10 different people and we're all lost) so I can't really say I'm learning anything in there either because the professor expects us to know it all already and won't take the time to explain things. She's brushed just about everyone off when asked questions unless it's "How do you feel about evolution?" in which case she'll talk all day. My ministry class is awesome but I'm worried about the project. I think it'll be fun, I just have a bad feeling that I'll once again be put in a group (like I normally am) with people who have no interest in letting me work with them. There's a few people I'd love to work with so I'm crossing my fingers. So while class is time consuming over all I don't feel like I'm really doing much other than busywork.

Really bummed because Angel is going home this weekend and offered to take me. Problem is she's leaving at 12. I have Bio until 12:30 and Ministry is at 1:30 and I can't miss the class because we're going over what we're doing in our projects. So no going home for me :-( A ton of people are going to be going home on JT's birthday and possibly the weekend after too (three day weekend) so hopefully I'll at least get to see him then. But this is getting really hard. It's a lot easier to step out and try to make friends when I know that I can come home and have my best friend waiting if things don't go well. Right now I'm just immersed in everything and while I'm trying to reach out (I've askd a ton of people every night what they're doing and every night they say nothing and then go somewhere without me) they're not reaching back so I'm left feeling...nothing. Add the stress of finances and the confusion of what I'm supposed to do with my life, double it because JT's feeling that way too and I'm a mess.

I want my husband back :-( I want people to see me as a person instead of some older chic (I'm only two years older for Pete's sake!). I want to learn and work with animals, not sit in a classroom all day either totally lost or reviewing things I already understand.

I want to feel like I'm at home.

But as of right now...this is just some place I happen to be sleeping and eating. I want to make it my home. I just can't right now...it's not home without him.