I'm Drained

I can't push through anymore. I'm tired of being stubborn and fighting. Now that I'm done with it I realize I went seriously wrong with all this.

Financial aid has taken money away. They say they accidently processed me as a sophmore (because technically speaking I should be one...pretty close to a junior...but that's not how my credits translated) and by law they can't give me sophmore aid until my credits show that. So they took money away because I'm still a freshman. So now the loan I just took out to cover part of what wasn't covered...it doesn't fully cover what I just lost. I'm now behind even more than I was when I started here. I've been looking for a job everywhere and all I hear are big fat nos. Too qualified. Not qualified enough. We don't want students, their schedules are too messy.

I can't get anyone to talk to me or help me with school. One of the heads of the vet department only works with her actual students, the other had a car accident, my bio advisor is being a pain about getting back to me (5 voice mails and 7 emails later and still no progress...I've dropped by her office a few times and no one's ever there), and my admission advisor can't help me with what I need help with because she has no clue what I should take. I'm the first pre-vet she's personally ever had. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do, I just know that the major they put me in by default won't work and I need to physically talk to someone if I want to customize anything. My bio class is killing me, the tutors don't know how to help because they don't understand the professor either (funny how she teaches a "general" bio class to freshmen but the seniors are stumped...hmmm...can't do your job much?). I can't focus at all. My UCor is killing me because all it's been about since day one is death death death which is causing me to relive Alex all over again. I finally stopped asking questions about it all a few months before the wedding and they're all flooding back. The only people that know how close I really was to him are JT and Evan. I've had nightmares about it all week.

My roommate is being beyond rude with her stupid boyfriend. Locking herself in the room with him so when I walk in expecting no one to be here they're both on the bed, looking at me all guilty and whispering and giggling. He pesters me while I'm trying to study and she just laughs about it, even though if all I do is text while she's studying she gets off the wall at me. How rude is it to be literally ALL OVER your boyfriend (who is most definitely GAY so I don't know HOW she's able to date him without knowing) when you know your roommate is married and can't even hug her husband goodnight? To me, it is extremely rude, especially since she gets pissed if I'm ever texting or on the phone with him while she's in the room.

Oh and JT and I? We're strained. We're trying so hard to be strong for each other but we're so weak ourselves that it's not quite working. I'm crying all the time and I know JT is confused because he can't do anything. All he ever does is work and now with financial aid issues he finds out it's not enough. He can't find a way to get up here and I'm pretty sure moving back to his house isn't an option. We're between a rock and a hard place and they're squeezing in on us.

To be quite blunt I'm fairly certain that I'm not meant to be here, that I was just being stubborn and pushed too hard without listening. Now that I'm stepping back and going "Oh....oh no...." everything is becoming pretty clear that this is wrong. But I don't know how to fix it. I mean, the minute I fall behind on a payment, or don't pay the full amount, I'm out of here. But I can't go back home. But I feel like even if I did keep pushing and found a way to pay off school this still isn't the place for me. I couldn't get into another school though. 3 schools, not a single one of them for a whole year? No school would take me with that track record. Although I'm beginning to think that maybe I don't need school for what I'm doing, though it would be beyond helpful if I did. What pisses me off is the only school I can think of that has a program towards where I wanna go....is OSU. Yes I admit that and trust me the dunce cap is on.

I'm stuck. How do I acknowledge that I'm in the wrong when I don't know what to do to fix it? I was told forever to wait wait wait wait wait and because I didn't wait I screwed up. I realize that now but...what? Do I wait and if I do what on earth am I waiting for? If I'm supposed to act now what do I do? Leave? Stay? Run down the hall screaming like an idiot? I don't want to get out of bed, don't wanna eat, when I want to sleep I can't, when I don't want to sleep that's all I can do, I haven't stopped shaking for four days now (about when I started to realize that this was wrong but it didn't hit me very hard until yesterday). My notes have gotten shakier and shakier throughout the week. I'm eating...but it's forced. I bathed for the first time in almost a week yesterday, and even so it wasn't really bathing so much as a quick hair wash and jump out.

I need to get out.